Tried With Fire
Sometimes I wonder why it has to hurt so bad.
The heartache and pain that comes when God is breaking me of myself, Him gently telling me that He is worth so much more then this thing I'm holding onto.
My heart and my future. It seems like I surrender something to Him and I'm so relieved and sometimes think I've given all to Him and yet He keeps digging deeper and deeper, showing me more and more areas that I'm still hanging on to or that I haven't fully and completely surrendered something to Him.
I saw an example once, at a Bible school a year or two ago. A heart was drawn up on the board and in one little corner they drew this small circle. The heart stood for our hearts. The circle for an area of our heart that we have not given Him. We give God our heart or so we think, but we still have this one little area (or more) that we're hanging onto. When we're born again, we ask God to dwell in us. He wants to have my whole heart, to be 100% His! Not just have 99% of my heart and the other 1% I'm hanging onto. If I've only given Him 99%, He doesn't have all of me.
I am not loving Him with my whole heart if I'm still hanging on to this one small area.
But oh how it hurts to give Him that area sometimes. I do want to give this area to Him but it's so painful.
Recently I've been struggling with this one area. I've been trying and trying to give it to God, it's caused so much pain and heartache, it's been such a distraction, but I just couldn't give it up. I was so frustrated and fed up with myself! I just couldn't give it up!! I was getting kinda irritated and annoyed with myself and God a little bit too. Why couldn't I overcome this?!
Today I was sitting on my bed journaling about it.
1/16/16
"Lord, sometimes it feels like I'm not really getting anywhere. I'm having these same old struggles I'd overcome at one point(or so I thought) but I'm still struggling. Please Lord, I need You. I cant overcome this struggle on my own! Change my heart, cleanse me, create in me a clean heart. I need Your cleansing."
Later that day
"Lord, I am so sick of myself! I get so mad at myself sometimes. I simply can not change my heart no matter how hard I try. My heart is so sinful. I'm not walking in joy because of this......I keep struggling with this. I keep praying, fasting and crying out to you but nothing is changing. I know You're not the problem , it's me but what is it that's hindering myself from overcoming this? Why is it such a hard struggle to give this up and surrender to You? I WANT You! But I can't change my selfish sinful desires on my own. You must move and change my heart. Help me to love and honor You even when I'm frustrated at myself and even at You sometimes. It's wrong I know. Please forgive me."
As I was writing this God just revealed to me that I'd been trying and trying on my own to overcome this thing, that I wasn't leaning on Him and taking my strength from Him. I was trying to do it all on my own and when I couldn't do that I was getting fed up with myself and even God!! So I just cried out to Him to help me. There is absolutely no way I can change myself! He has to change my heart. God just gave me this complete peace at this point. It was amazing. Five minutes before I was so frustrated and now He just gave me a peace as I rested and trusted in Him.
I am so overwhelmed by God's love and faithfulness even when I try time and time again to do it on my own.
"For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined."
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ."
The pain makes the end result so much more worth it. Seeing the beauty God works through us would never happen if we weren't 'tried with fire'. That doesn't mean I take pleasure in the trials and enjoy them but I can have peace and joy, resting in knowing He's always by my side and learn through these hard times!
The heartache and pain that comes when God is breaking me of myself, Him gently telling me that He is worth so much more then this thing I'm holding onto.
My heart and my future. It seems like I surrender something to Him and I'm so relieved and sometimes think I've given all to Him and yet He keeps digging deeper and deeper, showing me more and more areas that I'm still hanging on to or that I haven't fully and completely surrendered something to Him.
I saw an example once, at a Bible school a year or two ago. A heart was drawn up on the board and in one little corner they drew this small circle. The heart stood for our hearts. The circle for an area of our heart that we have not given Him. We give God our heart or so we think, but we still have this one little area (or more) that we're hanging onto. When we're born again, we ask God to dwell in us. He wants to have my whole heart, to be 100% His! Not just have 99% of my heart and the other 1% I'm hanging onto. If I've only given Him 99%, He doesn't have all of me.
“And you shall love the Lord your God from your whole heart and from your whole soul and from your whole mind and from your whole strength.”
I am not loving Him with my whole heart if I'm still hanging on to this one small area.
But oh how it hurts to give Him that area sometimes. I do want to give this area to Him but it's so painful.
Recently I've been struggling with this one area. I've been trying and trying to give it to God, it's caused so much pain and heartache, it's been such a distraction, but I just couldn't give it up. I was so frustrated and fed up with myself! I just couldn't give it up!! I was getting kinda irritated and annoyed with myself and God a little bit too. Why couldn't I overcome this?!
Today I was sitting on my bed journaling about it.
1/16/16
"Lord, sometimes it feels like I'm not really getting anywhere. I'm having these same old struggles I'd overcome at one point(or so I thought) but I'm still struggling. Please Lord, I need You. I cant overcome this struggle on my own! Change my heart, cleanse me, create in me a clean heart. I need Your cleansing."
Purer in heart, O God, help me to be;
May I devote my life wholly to Thee:
Watch Thou my wayward feet,
Guide me with counsel sweet;
Purer in heart, help me to be.
Watch Thou my wayward feet,
Guide me with counsel sweet;
Purer in heart, help me to be.
Later that day
"Lord, I am so sick of myself! I get so mad at myself sometimes. I simply can not change my heart no matter how hard I try. My heart is so sinful. I'm not walking in joy because of this......I keep struggling with this. I keep praying, fasting and crying out to you but nothing is changing. I know You're not the problem , it's me but what is it that's hindering myself from overcoming this? Why is it such a hard struggle to give this up and surrender to You? I WANT You! But I can't change my selfish sinful desires on my own. You must move and change my heart. Help me to love and honor You even when I'm frustrated at myself and even at You sometimes. It's wrong I know. Please forgive me."
Take my will and make it thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take my heart it is thine own
It shall be Thy Royal throne I am so overwhelmed by God's love and faithfulness even when I try time and time again to do it on my own.
"For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined."
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ."
The pain makes the end result so much more worth it. Seeing the beauty God works through us would never happen if we weren't 'tried with fire'. That doesn't mean I take pleasure in the trials and enjoy them but I can have peace and joy, resting in knowing He's always by my side and learn through these hard times!
Charity, this was such a blessing to read ~ thank you for sharing! <3
ReplyDeleteThat's very good, Charity!
ReplyDeleteI so understand exactly where you have been... blessings sister
ReplyDelete